Fifty Shades of Red Riding Hood

Red Riding Hood and the Wolf – Gustave Doré

Don’t stray too far from beaten path
Warned parents, ruddy fools
But underneath my scarlet cap
I lust to break the rules

So with my apple basket full
Of burgundy and bread
I claimed I’d go to Granny’s house
But left the path instead

Dark forest might be fearsome place
Where wild things do prowl
But madder call of the blood moon
Inflames my need to howl

Soon tawny wolf came sniffing round
All flushed with hunger’s heat
With foxy wink he asked me if
I’d like to share my treat

With ginger toss of Titian curls
I gave a subtle brush
Whilst just beneath vermilion rouge
I burned with cerise blush

Undaunted wolf offered bouquet
Rose and coquelicot
Intoxicated by their scent
I felt my heart let go

I beat the bricks to Granny’s place
In my slick ruby pumps
My skin beneath my crimson cloak
A-tingle with goosebumps

I knew the wolf would follow me
O’er river and through wood
And so I took the shortest cut
To granny’s neighborhood

Now Granny’s off on holiday
She’s left an empty flat
And I know that for the mailman
The key’s under the mat

All florid from my blazing run
I slipped on Gran’s nightdress
And slid under puce comforter
Where she does convalesce

‘fore long that wolf came sniffing at
My granny’s rosewood door
With bloody rare persistence of
An ardent carnivore

With passion in my sultry voice
I told him to come in
Afire, he stalked up to the bed
And gave big toothy grin

“Why, Granny,” said the sanguine wolf,
“You have such bedroom eyes!”
“I gaze on handsome wolf,” I said,
“It’s hardly a surprise.”

“Sweet Granny, you’ve raspberry lips
So fresh I’d like to taste!”
“Oh wolfie,” I said, with a pout,
“Don’t let them go to waste.”

“Oh, Granny, your come-hither smile
Has roseate bright glow!”
“Dear wolfie, come lie next to me
My furry Romeo.”

I bid the wolf lie down with me
And stroked his auburn coat
Then showed I was tomato fresh
And not just some old goat

“Oh, Wolfie, what big paws you have,
I know that you’re the one,
Oh, slide aside my rosy hood
And show me that pink tongue”

He made me cry wolf many times
Before he ever came
I guess I’ve just got what it takes
The savage beast to tame

I later dressed as lumberjack
It was more than okay
There’s nothing Red likes better than
A little hot role-play

And when we’d had our fill of fun
I did not feel marooned
We cuddled in a warm embrace
In glow of love full-spooned

I know to seek eternal love
Should be my cardinal rule
My folly is this carnal ache
A fevered pull most cruel

They say good girls stay on the path
And keep safe and secure
But I don’t fear being eaten and
Adventure has allure

While moral claims a gentle wolf
Most dangerous of all
I say go find that sweet, bad wolf
To help enjoy wild’s call